“So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith.” Galatians 3:26 (NIV)
In early 2009 I was going through an extremely rough patch with the new memories of my sexual assaults, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and I had also just lost my therapist. She decided I was too complicated. She wasn’t qualified to work with me.
She gave me the name of a male trauma therapist and sent me on my way. A male? After what I had been through. I didn’t think so! (If you stay with me long enough you’ll learn even a male therapist is possible with God’s help and His plan.)
I didn’t call the new therapist. I went between a couple women therapists for a year and it didn’t help me. During this time, as a teacher, I was trying to be the best for my students. However, I was in and out of the classroom on short term disability. I was failing as a teacher. My goal in life was to teach children and I was failing the precious children God entrusted to me.
Depression became so bad I wasn’t able to finish the school year. Failure. I was a failure. Even though I started back the next year, you’ll learn how it ended up failing too. My life was going downhill. I was asking God why this was all happening. I am not the one who did anything wrong. I didn’t ask to be sexually assaulted.
God got me through those years, though they were and still are some of the most difficult of my life. Since 2008 I feel like I’ve been living someone else’s life. I’m not. I’m living mine. The one God knew I would live. As His child.
He knew I would not finish the school year, He knew what the journey ahead held and still holds. Yet He did not leave me. I will be honest, it sure felt like He did sometimes. Looking back now, I can see He didn’t, and I would not be here today if He had not carried me, His child.
Like a parent when their child is suffering, in pain, hurting, bleeding, and crying; He carried me. He still carries me, holds me, and hurts with me. His child. I can’t do this journey without Him.
You are His child too. Don’t forget it. Let him carry you, hold you, and help you.
Thank you for never leaving me. For always being there for me in the dark and the light. You are the ultimate Father, God. Thank You for loving me as Your child. Continue to carry and hold me as I travel this journey of recovery.
© 2017 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.