“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
I wrote this blog post a couple of weeks ago. Yet today, things have changed. I have grown spiritually. God has taken me on a journey. I want to share it with you.
Trust. The word itself is hard to grasp. How do we as sexual assault survivors trust anyone, let alone God?
I originally planned to discuss my lack of trust in God over rescheduling of my therapy appointments and uncertainty with them lately. This all due to circumstances beyond my therapist control. He has had to move my appointment several times lately, leaving it up in the air as to whether I will get two appointments in the week.
My therapist told me I needed to trust God about my appointments. At the time, I was really struggling with trust, and still am to a point, but things became clearer today.
My trust issues are real. In fact, I struggle still, after almost 8 years in therapy with him, to trust my therapist. He’s a man. How do you trust men when it is men who stole your trust and innocence by sexual abusing and raping you?
God fits right into this category. He is referred to as a father figure, a male figure, even though He is God He is a “HE”. How do we trust Him? Anyone?
I have tried to trust people over the years. Men and women. Both have left me disappointed and alone. I have shared before I have one real friend who understands what I am going through and is there for me. One who is willing, when she can, to walk this road with me, and I with her. Probably because we have both had our trust broken so we both know what it feels like.
No matter who the human being is you try to trust they will break it. No one is perfect. However, I also know I should learn to start trusting people again.
Although God has proven He can provide. Sometimes I pray and He doesn’t. The answer is no. Then I question “why?” I need consistency, and I need to know I can trust God. To provide, to be there, to not let me down.
Growing up in church the old hymn goes through my head, “Trust and Obey”. “Trust and obey for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, than to trust and obey.” Harsh words when you truly think about them.
You’re only promised to be happy if you trust and obey. To someone who was forced to obey and endure sexual abuse and assault, why would I want to obey any other man, let alone trust him? Yet, this is exactly what the song preaches to us.
Do this or else you won’t be happy. Well, I struggle with whether I can trust God every day, and I try to obey Him, but I don’t do it so I’ll be happy. I do it because I want to please Him, and that is not right either. God does not want us to please Him.
Yes, He wants us to trust, love, and obey Him, but He really wants us to accept His love. We are his children. All of us are His children. He does not want to shame us into trusting and obeying Him. He wants to love us and He longs for us to love Him back.
Today I needed to talk to a friend about some issues in our relationship and I also needed to get a computer program to install on her computer which wasn’t cooperating. I was so anxious about talking to my friend and some other things going on this week I could not sleep last night. I tried to hand things over to God, but I stubbornly was holding on. I did not know how to let go to a God I didn’t know if I could trust.
Then today, I went to my friends. I had prayed before for God’s hand on the situation and for Him to work it all out calmly and help me with words. We talked, and it went well. It was not an easy talk, but she did not yell at me, or tell me to leave, or stop being my friend. All fears I had going into it. God provided.
Then, I went to install the program. At first it didn’t work. I came home and then went back to her place praying, “God, I need this to work. I need you to show me I can trust you to work out even a simple computer program.”
I tried again, and it didn’t work. I prayed, “God I could really use a boost in trust from you, if you let this work, I’ll know I can trust you.”
I know we shouldn’t really test God, but I know He understood. I know because it worked. I put in the program, and the product key, and it installed. Right away. I prayed, believed, and God provided.
If God can provide the way for a simple computer program to work who am I to question He won’t provide for me in my life?
I still have trouble trusting other people. This will come in time too. However, today I learned a lesson in trusting God. He is listening to our smallest prayers. He can answer the big ones too.
He knows our doubts before we even have them. Nothing we do or say surprises Him.
We can pray and ask Him for guidance on this journey.
I am aware complete trust in God will not happen overnight. It will take time. I know this is a long, hard, journey and I know now I am beginning to learn to trust God with it.
Do you want to learn to trust Him too?
Please help me as I continue to learn to trust You. You know I struggle with it daily. Today I ask for You to help me learn to trust You with my life, my needs, my all. I simply cannot do this journey alone.
© 2017 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.