“Jesus help me.” Has been my cry many times over the past few weeks. The pain is overwhelming. It is not physical, though it feels like I’m having a heart attack. It is the emotional pain. The confusion of how anyone can say, “I love you.” and rape me. The inability to connect with others resulting in complete isolation. The loneliness, hurt, anger, fear, guilt, and shame crushing down on me leaves me crying out in tearful agony.
The days stretch out as minutes seem like they will last an eternity. That the pain will not subside. The depression will not lift. Life has no hope. Darkness encircles and we begin to drown in despair.
It is in this desperate place, when we feel there is no hope, when we perhaps consider life is not worth living, or look for unhealthy ways to dull our pain, that we feel God is most silent. Just like we felt He did nothing during our abuse and rapes.
We feel completely abandoned and alone. We cannot seem to grasp the reality that this feeling won’t last forever. We are stuck in that moment where the heaviness is so great we can barely move, the pain is crippling, and the tears will not stop.
I know you have been there. You are not alone. We have all been there and some of us are there right now. It is a feeling that seems will never go away…but I promise it will. I can’t promise it won’t come back…this road is difficult and the journey long. However, even valleys have places for rest as we walk through them
David writes of God’s comfort in the valley in Psalm 23:4:
“Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.”
I am aware we do not always get to feel this comfort at the exact moment we need it. The other day as I was crying in the despair and loneliness, hurting from the great emotional pain of this journey, I wondered where God was because I felt so alone. Hours I cried desperate for a reprieve. Finally falling into bed exhausted.
It was during the night I began to feel God’s loving comfort. His embrace around me. His promise He had been with me even though I could not feel it. His promise He would continue to be with me when the feeling was no longer there.
We cannot always feel God. Though He longs to bring us peace and comfort He will walk us through the times where we are unable to experience it and if we allow Him to He will strengthen us for it.
I know there will be many more desperate times for me, and I’m sure you will experience them too. We must remember they are temporary, and though the valley may be long, God is walking with us through it despite how we feel.
We can’t forget. We must always remember. Cry out to God when you are there. He will always hear us even if He’s silent. I know exactly how you feel. I am there with you. Just hold on tight and don’t give up. He has great plans which are beyond what we can begin to imagine.
Here my cries for help. I cannot always voice what I need but You know. Remind me of Your love and plans. Help me keep going.
© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.