I am tired. I find it difficult even to type. Will this ever end? Why does it have to be so difficult? Why do more things add on top of just recovery? Medication issues, side effects, other diseases and health issues we acquire, financial stress.
As we get older on our journey our bodies are giving into the aging process and to the stress. We may have experienced the abuse when we were young, but we’re reliving it in a much older body and we are just now learning how to cope with life.
My therapist reminded me it is slow and steady, like a marathon. His example was the Tortoise and the Hare. Slow and steady wins the race. But when I’m lying in pain at night from withdrawal, or severe anxiety, or other added pains to what I’m dealing with emotionally I simply feel like giving up.
My prayers aren’t really prayers but more accusations and questions. Why more punishment? How can you keep doing this? When is enough enough?
The Tortoise and the Hare story reminded me of verses from the Bible. Another race spoken about in Hebrews.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:1-3
Jesus fixed His eyes on the final outcome during the cross. “The joy set before him…” We have joy set before us too. Heaven. Where we will finally BE with God too. I cannot begin to imagine what that will be like.
It is so incredibly difficult as we take what seems like such tiny steps in recovery to stay focused on Jesus and that one day there will be no more suffering, pain, crying…He conquered sin so we can spend eternity with Him in Heaven. Eternity…not even a drop of time compared to what we are experiencing on this earth.
I know it feels like an eternity to us right now. Some days seem to have enough hours to last years. I also know how desperate I can feel and get when I take my eyes off of Jesus and focus on my problems. He wants to hear about them. Cares deeply about us and helping us through them. But He wants our eyes and hearts on Him so we will not grow weary and lose heart.
Help me keep my eyes and heart focused on You. I need Your strength every second because I am weak. Continue to remind me this life is temporary and that You have a place beyond what I can imagine waiting. Allow me to let Your light shine through my circumstances for Your glory. As I think about Heaven it reminds me of the song You had MercyMe write called “I Can Only Imagine.” As I listen to it now, fill me with new hope that only You can give.
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.