Have you ever thought about the fact our lives are not a surprise to God? Every minute we’ve experienced, what we are going through now, and all that is to come. He knew and He knows.
I often wonder why He created me and others only to go through awful, unimaginable trauma. Then I remember Adam and Eve when sin entered this world so did the hurt and horror. Jesus came so our eternal consequence for sin was taken away and we can be with Him in heaven, but it does not take away the consequences of sin or the effects it has on others.
There is pain and heartache in this world because of sin. We are experiencing the consequences of our abuser’s sin through our emotional distress, inability to cope, nightmares, flashbacks, depression, PTSD, anxiety, loneliness and anything else crashing in on us in recovery.
But God is with us. He has been and will continue to be. Right now I am at a time I feel He is very far away. However, I know I cannot rely on feelings, though it is very human to do so.
In my loneliness I really need to know someone is here. That God has not left me. I have to trust His word He hasn’t. “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
David wrote of God’s plan for our days before we were even born. He has always known what each day will hold.
“My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:15-16
I struggle to comprehend this because on days like today I feel useless. I was supposed to volunteer at the elementary school for two hours today, but that was cancelled. So, I did laundry, a few errands, some therapy writing, and now I’m writing this. Not where I feel a 42 year woman with a Master’s degree in teaching should be the first Friday in March 2019.
I should be mothering children and taking care of the house, or in my 19th year of teaching elementary school. Not unable to work because of complex PTSD.
I can imagine you might feel the same way. If you’re reading this things have not turned out the way you imagined either. Sexual assault will change your life. However, it is not the end of the story.
All our days were ordained for us before we were born. Right now we’re in the middle of the story. We know what happened before, we are in the middle working through recovery. I’ve only read through the entire Bible once, and I’m no expert on it, but I know God wins.
The question today is am I willing to hang on to God even in the middle of the raging storm knowing He wrote the end of my story? Can I release MY expectations and allow His will to reign?
I enjoy writing, but I can say God writes a much better story. His comes with hope laced with eternal future. So today I’ll pray for Him to help me release my expectations and hold on to Him even when I can’t feel Him. Knowing that though I have no idea what the future holds, God will not be surprised.
Help me release the anxiety I have about the future. My expectations for my current circumstances as well as how the rest of my life should be. Remind me in ways only You can that You are with me and won’t ever leave me. I want Your story not mine.
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.