Last night was a rough night. One of the longest in a while. Five hours lying awake tossing and turning, mind going 100 miles an hour. Prayers to God telling Him that it’s nights like this when it feels like this will never end. What will tomorrow look like? Five, ten, twenty years from now? How will I live? Be provided for? So many questions.
Then there are the memories. I almost hate to call them memories because to me a memory should be something to be cherished and these are horrible remembrances. You know what I mean right?
It is times like last night when I feel at my absolute weakest and most vulnerable that I realize there is no way to do this on my own. In my head and heart I do really already know that, but it’s times when it is dark and hopeless feeling that it hits home.
We cannot do this on our own. We have no power to get through this recovery in our own strength. Yes, we need professionals to help us. We also need the support to others, which I’m sure you have also found is extremely hard to find. However, ultimately there is One who is the most powerful to help us through it all.
There is a series of books I have read and in it the priest has a saying he repeats with one of his parishioners. When they see each other and only have a minute, but know it’s a tough time they’ll say or yell, “Philippians 4:13 for Pete’s sake!”
So last night lying in bed that is exactly what I said. “For Pete’s sake God. Philippians 4:13! I get it! I can do nothing without you!” Well, it was something to that effect, but you get the picture.
Today it lands well in me. I know some of what I’m about to face. More medication withdrawal very soon. More withdrawal side effects on top of regular recovery and all it brings. I’m already looking toward the holidays and know they’ll be different than the past few years and I know my birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year making it even lonelier.
Even though I have known this verse for a long time it resonates anew in me. Maybe it does the same for you. Ask God to make it real for you today. To make himself known. We can do nothing without Him.
“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
We can do “all this” – working through trauma, PTSD, anxiety, depression, working off medication, dealing with abusive people who are still in our lives, living paycheck to paycheck, the future – through Christ who gives us strength.
I say this to me as well today. Let’s not forget the most important One to depend on right now and always. God promises not to leave us. He will get us through. We are getting better even though it is one small step at a time. It’s God’s timing. Let’s trust Him. In Him we can do ALL things.
Remind me to depend on You. Forgive me when I try to do life on my own. I need You more than I will ever realize. Right now life is harder than I ever imagined. Thank you that You provide me the strength to get through each minute of every day.
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.