Feelings of hopelessness, emptiness, and no reason to go on. Tiredness that is beyond fatigue. Even a sense of being punished. All of these are symptoms and signs of depression. Extremely common if you’ve experienced trauma like sexual assault in your life, and more so if you’re in the process of working through it.
It’s where I find myself again lately. I always feel depressed, but my last two therapy sessions I told my therapist I felt like I was being punished and he pointed it out as a sign of depression. Today, I just wanted to leave my session and come home and go back to bed. Didn’t see any reason to work on anything because what’s the point? It’s all so incredibly painful and my therapist is the only one walking with me through it. The loneliness eats away at me.
I am aware I am not the only one that feels this way. Though it feels like we are completely alone in our feelings doesn’t it? That no one understands the feeling we have to not want to go on, to want to ignore what has happened to us, to hide away. However, it won’t help us get better and will send us even deeper into despair and depression.
So today, I was reminded to look towards Who does give us hope. There is only One who can give us real hope in life. The hope of eternity with God one day through Jesus Christ. If we have surrendered our life to Him then one day all our tears, sorrow, and pain will be traded for a joy beyond what we can begin to imagine.
I am grateful I have a Christian therapist who reminds me to look toward Christ and what He offers me rather than the limited worldly rewards that we tend to look for during our time on earth. Looking at who we are in Christ rather than to this world for our hope and identity.
Without Christ I am nothing. I am not a good person. I am sinful and hopeless. However, with Him I have the eternal hope of living forever in a place God has created that far exceeds my wildest imagination and I only get to go there because Jesus died to take away all of my sin. Without Him I am a disgrace, but with Christ God sees me as pure and blameless because He sees through the blood Jesus shed on the cross.
When I cling to the hope of heaven my heart begins to lift a little and the world doesn’t seem so bleak. Don’t get me wrong, I am still depressed. However, I have a new, eternal perspective which has breathed in me a little energy and reminded me healing is happening for us. God is working on each of our lives and one day we will all be completely healed. If we forget that we will go to a deep, dark place like I have lately.
I tend to forget Jesus is walking right beside me on this journey and in everyday life. He hasn’t left. I am who I am because of Him and no one or anything else. When I remember this life is bearable and I have strength to continue the journey. I pray you know Jesus and who you are in Him so that you have the strength to continue recovery as well.
Side Note: I rarely read Facebook posts because they can increase my depression, but today a lady contacted me for tutoring and I looked at her profile. She had a post that said: “One day you will tell your story of how you’ve overcome what you’re going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.” That’s my prayer with this blog. God, let it be so and for Your glory.
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.