God and Sexual Assault

Following God

When we grieve.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Psalm 138:16b

Since I’m in recovery, when people find out I’m not “working” by their standards they assume I do nothing. So, they feel they have the right to ask me, with condemnation, “What exactly DO you do all day?”

The next time someone asks me what I do all day I am going to say ….”I grieve.

I grieve the childhood I should have had.

The girl I never got to be.

Safety I never got to feel

Love that never came growing up.

Trust that has been broken again and again.

My innocence.

A family to belong to.

A safe haven.

Children of my own.

A husband.

A family of my own…the future…grandchildren.

The job I dreamed of as a child. Teaching.

Over an entire decade of my life. Gone. To Recovery which isn’t finished.”

Then tell them…”I cry…a lot. Alone.”

But then, I’ll say, “While I’m doing these incredibly heart wrenching things, I pray.

For help, peace, love, wisdom, and understanding.”

I allow God to pick me up and carry me.

He understands my days. He knows how they will be spent before I do. He is the one I answer to.

So really the answer to their question will be…”I follow God.” That’s really all I need to say and it’s what I need to do. He is my judge. Not them, or me. Breaking away from the world’s standards is hard, but God can help us see His way clearer than anyone.

Father God,

Remind me to follow You each moment of each day, and thank you for carrying me today.


How is God asking you to follow Him today?

© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.

I am a former elementary school teacher and now I own a small business helping kiddos with dysleixa. I am also still in the process of recovering from years of sexual abuse and rape. I feel God has led me to write this for my own healing, and to share with others who have been through the trauma of sexual assault.

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