Grieving is a part of life. However, no matter when you experienced sexual assault, or for how long it brings new things to grieve. The obvious are trust, innocence, safety, and love.
It is difficult to think and work through what has been lost. Sometimes I find it easier to ignore it and try to move on. The thing is it always comes back to me. Like today in my therapy session, I was talking with my counselor and we got to a point where I said, “I just don’t think my life is worth that much, or that I’m doing anything in this world.”
It brought fresh tears to my eyes, and the familiar hurt in my chest came back. I continued to say, “I just want to meet one person with my similar experiences, including what they missed out on because they are in recovery. Marriage, children, and soon I won’t have grandchildren either; the loss of my job. Is anyone else out there that grieves those things?”
I also recently found out my parents are moving from the home I grew up in to a place for retirement. I had mixed feelings about it, because despite the horrible things that happened there, I also had some good memories. Plus, the fact that I had held out hope of creating new, good memories there by bringing a family of my own when I’m well. Now, that is never going to be possible.
I told God how much my heart hurts today and that I want my life to be used for something. Right now, if I died I don’t feel like there’s anything to put in an obituary of what I’ve done. Other than recover.
I have to start thinking about what I’m doing right now as my work. Getting better, processing trauma, learning how to relate to people in the right way, and having healthy relationships. All of this is vitally important to living life. I tried to live life without doing them, and it fell apart.
So, today as I’m grieving many things again, I just pray God will one day use my heartache for good. Whether I know my life is being used or not I must continue to follow where God leads.
Whatever you’re grieving today, or in the days to come, know you aren’t alone in grieving losses. Even if your losses are different than someone else. Everyone has things to grieve and some of us have more than others, but no matter what grieving takes time. It’s a process.
God is right there with you as you’re grieving as well, and wants you to turn to Him for your comfort. Reach out to God and let Him know your heart is breaking. He understands your hurt more than anyone else.
As we pray today, and close in Jesus name and Amen, remember that these words mean, “So be it!” An agreement for, “Yes, let this be done!”
I don’t like grieving. It hurts so much that sometimes I can’t breathe. I have many losses and sometimes I wonder if my life means anything. When I feel like this remind me this is only a feeling and not the truth. That you will use my life if I give it to You. Help me through my grief today and in the days to come.
In Jesus Name,
© 2020 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.