God and Sexual Assault

Do You Feel God?

When the depression is heavy...

I just finished listening to my pastor’s sermon online. Awakening was the title of it. He believes it is time for the world to awaken and come back to God. I wholeheartedly agree. However, I don’t feel it.

That always brings me pause. God, I don’t feel You. I don’t feel excited about revival. About people turning to You. Yet, I don’t feel excited, good about anything. I almost feel like I’m being punished. That brings me back to what my counselor told me about depression.

When you are depressed you don’t feel good things. You might even feel punished. Feel like sleeping instead of rising to pray for revival at 7:14 am, like the pastor encourages. A tiredness that is beyond not enough sleep, but exhaustion. You can’t get up even if you wanted to.

So, as I think about the need for revival in our land and what God is doing during the crazy time of a pandemic. I know I need to just talk to God honestly and let Him know what I feel and don’t feel. Join me today as we come before His throne and pour out our hearts. May you know His presence and His love despite your depression brought on from trauma you experienced.

Father God,

Thank you for loving me. I don’t feel excited about revival, but I do want it in my life and in the lives of everyone in this world. We so need you and yet we seek to find comfort in earthly things that don’t last.

I know I am a sinner and I have sought comfort in food and people, and not in You. Forgive me for this. Help me come to You to comfort me every day. I am just beginning to understand Your love for me, but please help me understand even more so that it bleeds through me to others who need You.

My depression is heavy and draining. I get tired of being exhausted and not feeling anything good. I want to be joyful and feel good not just physically but emotionally. I know You can heal my trauma as I work it out in therapy, but please use it to bring me closer to You.

Thank you for providing for me despite the circumstances. For keeping me alive despite my attempts to not be. For seeing me through the good as well as the bad times.

I am thankful for Your light in the darkness. Continue to shine it and bring me to You. Assure me that it is okay to not “feel” You or the good and that it won’t always be like this. May You receive glory from my pain.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

© 2020 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.

I am a former elementary school teacher and I am currently in the process of recovering from a childhood of sexual abuse and rape. I am pursuing God's will for my life right now which involves following various writing endeavors and working on some publishing. I feel God has led me to write this for my own healing, and to share with others who have been through the trauma of sexual assault.

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