In my counseling session today I repeated what I’ve said many times, “If only I hadn’t been in denial for so long I would be further along.” If only…. If only… Bargaining is what I’m doing. It is a stage of grief.
Have you found yourself there before? If only…I wish this didn’t happen. Wanting to change and rewrite history. It’s a difficult place to be. Grief is another hard part of working through our history.
The conversation with my therapist went toward walking with God in the moment. Jesus, walked with God in the moment. He didn’t always rush off to help someone as soon as they came to Him. Sometimes He would finish what He was doing, what God wanted Him to do, and then travel to see the sick person. It wasn’t mean, it was just He stayed in the moment and He was doing what God would have Him do and it showed God’s glory by healing or raising from the dead.
I’m in the middle of my therapy right now. I have passed the initial here’s what happened, denial, acceptance, and am now working through by processing the events. How am I handling it right now? Am I in the moment or in the future?
I tend to find myself in the future. The grass must be greener there, right? It is difficult to stay in the present moment. However, where would God have us to be? How can we do what God has for us to do right now if we live in the future?
It is difficult, but staying in the moment can help us heal and allow us to do what God has for us to do. Walking with God in each moment of each day. Listening for His voice and learning what He sounds like. I still struggle with this as it took me years just to understand God cares and loves me.
So, listening to His voice is new to me. I mentioned a few weeks ago about my new kitty. She was hesitant to trust me when I brought her home. Was it safe? Would I hurt her? She took two full days hiding and then it was forward and back for an hour. I talked to her often so she’d get used to my voice. She still is hesitant to come to me sometimes and that is after 6 months. Trust takes time to build and to get used to someone’s voice.
It is the same with anyone and with God. Our trust builds as we get to know someone. How do we get to know someone? Walking with them through life. In walking with God we get to know Him in the intimate, personal relationship and in listening we recognize His voice.
No matter what place you are in recovery, the beginning, the middle, the end, God wants to walk with you. He wants to help you with the memories, the struggles, the feelings, and the healing. As we begin to walk in the present moment with God I can only imagine what He will do in our lives.
Ask yourself what is holding you back today. How can you begin to walk with God?
Thank you for loving me. For showing me that you care about the smallest details of my life. Help me to seek You out each day so we can walk together. Continue to help me process through my trauma so I can be who You created me to be.
In Jesus Name,
Note: Two books I am reading that are helpful in understanding how to pursue a day to day relationship with God are “Walking With God” and “Moving Mountains” both by: John Eldredge.
© 2020 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.