God and Sexual Assault

All Things for the Good

And we know...

I am constantly making notes about what God has brought to mind to write (I promise I am putting this all into a book, but can’t tell you when God might help me pursue a finished product that is published.)

As I looked back over them today I saw a note about my second suicide attempt. I wrote about it last week. It was Christmas 2013. That night around 4 pm.

I need to rewind a little. Back in 2009 I only remembered abuse from one person. I confronted him and his wife only to have him completely deny all of it. Then, as the year progressed I was told what family gatherings I was allowed to attend, including my family was spending Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve with the person I confronted and his family so I wasn’t allowed. That hurt me more deeply than I can put into words, despite the fact it wasn’t healthy for me to be around any of them.

Before I had memories of the second abuser I still spent Christmas Day with who I was “allowed” to. That became too much for me and on Christmas in 2013, I came home and took every bottle of pills I could find.

I did call 911 on myself-eventually -and ended up at the hospital, drinking charcoal and absolutely miserable. I was still suicidal and depressed and as I mentioned was told I was messing up things for everyone else. Like it was all my fault right? Sound familiar as an abuse survivor?

I was in the hospital, in ICU mostly, for a week. During that week I was treated for a liver that wasn’t functioning right because of the meds I took and they worked to get all organs and blood working properly again. It was during this time that God took what I know Satan meant for evil for good.

To not get pneumonia I has one of those breathing thingys (That’s the technical name. :-))They kept telling me my oxygen was too low and I wasn’t taking big enough breaths. I said I was breathing as deep as I could. However, my oxygen had dropped to the low 80’s. Normal is around 98 to 99.

I was clueless, but I was quickly taken for an emergency CAT scan that revealed I had a pulmonary embolism. Known as a PE, or large blood clot in your lung, it had a 50/50 chance of breaking off and causing a massive heart attack or stroke.

I was put on blood thinners and though I was sent to the psychiatric hospital without oxygen, it remained so low my lips were blue, and I was hospitalized in ICU again as soon as I came home. That time I was sent home on full time oxygen. I was on it for about a month before my levels reached 98 and they took me off.

I had been sent to a specialist to determine why at 37 I had a large blood clot. After many tests it was determined that the birth control I took daily for my endometriosis caused it. I was taken off of it and only had to stay on blood thinners a year as a precaution. Though, the result was also a full radical hysterectomy, I basically had no long term affects from the clot or my suicide attempt.

It took me awhile to realize that had I not been in the hospital I would have been home alone or even driving when I had a massive heart attack or stroke, which could’ve killed me or severely damaged my heart and brain. Only by the grace of God was my life spared. Though, He could have intervened and helped me get help another way, He chose to bring good from the attempt at ending my life – by showing me in His own way that He wants me here.

I know that there are so many bad ways all of this could’ve turned out, but God chose to spare me for a reason. One of my favorite verses is, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

That is one of the biggest examples in my life of God working the evil trauma I endured for His good and His glory. Because I give Him all the praise for saving my life more than once in a matter of days.

I have found that being thankful for what God has done helps me especially this time of year. So, during this Christmas season remember how God has brought good out of what Satan meant for evil. Come before God and thank Him for that today and in the days ahead, and allow God to remind you that the star in the sky 2000 years ago is a sign of the hope He sent to us.

Father God,

Thank you for saving my life. From the abuse that felt like I could die, to the times I tried to end it myself, or from when things have caused my body to try to be done. I thank You that You sent Jesus for me and that You love me more than I can imagine. Help me continue to understand Your love so I can show and tell others. May You receive the glory from my life. Continue to lead me toward complete healing in this life or in heaven.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

© 2020 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.

I am a former elementary school teacher and I am currently in the process of recovering from a childhood of sexual abuse and rape. I am pursuing God's will for my life right now which involves following various writing endeavors as I recover. I feel God has led me to write this for my own healing, and to share with others who have been through the trauma of sexual assault.

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