I’ve had several compliments lately about how beautiful I look and the joy that radiates. My first thought, is how can I be beautiful when I gained so much weight?
Yet, I know they’re not talking about how I look outside, but more my inner joy that I have from Jesus that shines through. One lady told me this weekend that she’s so happy for me that God has healed me and my broken heart. She’s a sweet older lady from my church that’s kind of like an adopted grandma.
I just thanked her because I didn’t have the heart to tell her how much healing is left to go. I have healed an enormous amount and God has been faithful to bring me through, but it’s taken a lot of hard work – and it’s not done.
It also makes it hard to share what’s still going on and what still needs to be healed. How lonely I still am when I spend day after day and night after night without others to talk to or be with, or celebrate holidays, and just day to day life.
It’s hard to still share how sad I am and the grief I still deal with and the buckets of tears I still shed. I do have a joy in my heart that’s only from the fact that I know this world is not my home and one day there will be no more crying and no more pain.
That’s what gets me through the dark nights and days, but I want you to know that you’re not alone when people don’t see all your struggles.
Your insecurities and you’re feeling of not worth being loved. Your tears of rejection and heartache. The days you don’t want to be a burden to anyone but would really like a close friend to confide in. The days where it’s just too hard to have to try to explain what you’re dealing with and what you still have to work through.
The memories that still come and the nightmares that still appear, and the flashbacks that still happen. Like when you run into your third grade teacher leaving church and it takes you back to what your life was like when you were in her class when no one else knew what was going on.
I’m actually writing this because I’m having trouble going to sleep and triggered from that encounter this morning with my former teacher. I wanted to share with you what I feel God is sharing with me at this moment.
“I see you, and I love you. I will never leave you or forsake you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are not alone because I am with you always and forever since the day you chose to accept the amazing gift of My Son dying for you.”
My prayer back to Him is:
Thank you so much for loving me when I was hard to love. For rescuing me when I didn’t want to be rescued, and for blessing me beyond measure despite the fact I deserve no blessings.
All my life you have been faithful. All my life you have been so, so good. With every breath and I that I am able, I will sing of Your goodness God. Help me have the strength to continue healing and to take life one moment and one day at a time – remembering this world is not my home.
In Jesus Name,
(C) 2022 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.