“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4 NIV
The time arrived recently while reading. Looking up it took a minute to focus. The room was blurry. Not a usual occurrence since I wear glasses. Then I remembered the eye doctor’s words. “There will come a time when you are reading and you look up and things are out of focus. This is when you know you need bifocals.”
Books have been harder to read. I have been using cheap reading glasses on top of my regular glasses to read and work, but it is hard to wear two pairs of glasses at once. The time has come for a change of focus. It will not be easy to adjust to them. I like my plain glasses with no line. I’m comfortable with them. Until now, my focus has been clear.
Like my life. I have been on disability for just over 8 years now. I have spent those years focusing on the past. The abuse and assaults. I am not close to done, but my focus is changing. The time has come to begin to look at the present and the future.
This change of focus brings great anxiety. I do not have any idea what the future will look like. How I will support myself off of disability in a few years. What job will I do? I have a Master’s degree in teaching, but I do not know if going back to it is where I am supposed to be.
I know God wants me to reach other survivors, to speak out, to write, and to tell my story. Will this be my job, or on the side? This remains to be seen.
The past couple of weeks I have been trying to figure out how I will support myself on my own, and it is stressing me out. Already fighting stomach issues, the added stress is too much. God is asking me to trust my future to Him. Believe He will provide for all my needs. (Phil. 4:19 NIV)
The question remains can I let go of control and allow God to change the focus of my life with His will? It is so hard to trust. There is that word again, trust. As survivors of sexual assault it is extremely hard to trust.
Slowly, step by step, God has been leading me to trust Him more throughout this journey. This is one of the biggest steps yet. It is my entire future. Yet, He has gotten me this far in life. He has always provided. I try to remind myself of this when I doubt, but I still doubt.
I do not want to live in the past. I want to heal from it and move into all God has in store for me. He has great things in store for each of us. Some may say our past does not define us. I disagree. Our past does define us because it makes us into stronger, God seeking, women and men of faith.
Our past requires us to come to a place where we need to change our focus. Now is the time for me. When will be the time for you?
Change is not something I take to easily. I like structure and knowing life is stable as it is. I have a fear of the unknown. Today I seek you and ask you to deliver me from the fear of the future and trust you with the unknown.
How are you trusting God right now in your journey? What is God asking you to trust Him with today?
© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.